i am the meaning of mean

Once upon a time, a long long time ago..My aunt was married to a man who seemed to be very nice..but he wasn't..he was a liar and a con man. He went blind after not taking care of his diabetes..and hurt a lot of people in my family. Now, he's moved on (thankfully)...But sometimes I can't help jabbing at things that really irk me. I know, it was ugly..I won't do it again.

Mel Gibson started it!

I keep wondering about those people who are conspiracy crazy. I get it, but I don't get it.
If we're all trapped in a conspiracy, okay, that's not "good" I guess, but then again..I'm a happy healthy 23 year old with an insane and great family, and Jesus loves me (I'm not being sarcastic)..So, I guess it's a pretty cool conspiracy...
Or maybe I've just been brainwashed to believe what I believe is good, but it's actually not..because..They brainwashed me..?

Okay, a grain of salt if you please, but still..

Guanajuato.

These are photos I've gathered from all over flickr, of Guanajuato Mex. The city in my book. I'm using them for visual references, and geography. I have tons more, but these are pretty great.

I'm so ready to finish the first draft and get into the editing.

absolute absolution.

Cousin Kadee is amazing,
watching Chelsea Lately,
my best comfort medicine ever.

Everything's changing right now, moving really fast. But surprisingly, I'm pretty content to just let it all slide by at it's own speed, and I'll go at my own pace. Spent far too long pitying myself, and I'm determined I will find peace in the chaos. God never left the building, but I did, and I'm going back. Cold, mean streets tore me up.

Anna's back to the old mischief with her ex cheating/slimeball that never really was her boyfriend (fiend is the preferred pronunciation) I'm at a loss to try and advise her any further. (Refer to first post). I apologize for my snideness on this subject.

I'll stop there, I shouldn't air dirty laundry..

In the meantime, I'm concentrating on finals and finishing my WIP. Hoping against hope to finish it before the end of the year, so I can get into the editing stage.

I'm getting ready to shoot a short film on 16mm, needs to be shot before the 3rd..It's scary but really exciting to shoot on film for the first time. Then HOPEFULLY, on to the music video.

Much to write about, but there it is in short. Love to all friends.

Lau.
PS. I still like wearing pants.
Kadee is zombie addicted to Blame me! right now, so all car rides consist of said song on repeat.
and nobody has feet.

pieces

O that you were your self, but love you are No longer yours..

down the rabbit hole

..yes, that's about the right distance--but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?' (Alice had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but thought they were nice grand words to say.)

This is a snippet from Alice in Wonderland. I laughed so hard when I read it, because, well..It reminds me of, me.

rainbow bright in hyper blowout

Halloween brings fun photo opportunities.

Sweat it out (warning to a lover)

One hundred hours or more
To sweat out this fever
you see in my eyes

I am spider bitten
I am poison smitten
With a heavy tongue
and black inked veins

Lost as I am to this sickness
I give you my warning

Lover, keep away
keep far away.

the neon lady

no sigh of relief insight.

Why is it that there are times when we should be happy, ecstatic about an experience we were privileged to have, but instead we find ourselves harboring the strangest reactions, such as guilt or anxiety, or even jealousy.

Last night I was extremely lucky to be able to attend (after a four year wait) an Anberlin show at The Door in deep ellum. It was an incredible show, the band was literally the best live performance I've seen, ever.

After being practically massacred in the mosh pits up close to the stage, we managed to escape to the back for an ice cold Dr. Pepper, and were contented to sit at the back and just listen and enjoy the chest vibrating sound of the band. It was probably the best part, as soon as we sat down they started to play our favorite song from the new album, *New Surrender (Breaking). So we got to just lean back on the steps and cool down.

Later we hung out over at the merchandise table and talked with some of the band members from There For Tomorrow (who we were thoroughly impressed with).

Finally at the end of the night, we lined up and met the band at the merchandise table. They were all radiating energy, and genuinely interested in meeting everyone.

Hand shakes*

Awkward laughter*

Hug/Photo*

It was very pleasant and really nice to get to meet them. I have really admired them and their music since the release of their first album *Blueprints for the black market in 2004, so it was really a privilege. They're music just seemed to be exactly what I wanted and needed to hear at that time in my life.

After we left though, instead of being hyped and excited as my cousin (13 and endlessly energetic) I felt oddly disjointed over the whole thing.

I started to feel my own procrastination over my writing, and suddenly stunted by coming face to face with a group of people who are living out what they dream of and what they believe in.
I, on the other hand, feel like graduation is never going to come, college is a prison, and I can never seem to get writing the way I want and need to.

To write, it's the thing that pushes me, nearly the only thing I'm willing to work hard at, stress and lose sleep over. So why is it never finished?

I wish I could take more of Kendall's attitude, whose graceful indifference to self-comparison and stress is at a level I don't think anyone else is going to reach in this life (it must be genetic).

What gives man? Seriously, if you figure out, let me know.

kill it to the side

Thin is the glass
that's splintered in the side
of the one who bows out softly
refusing to hear
woefully deflecting the spears
with no lover to love
and no sighting the dove
nothing comes to resolve
the spinning windows revolve
and when night settles down
she'll sleep deep in the ground

I don't really know the girl who wrote this, but I thought it was interesting.

undocumented

I know this might sound like a bit of a soapbox, but it's all right. I'll allow myself this particular one. I know that most people today see interracial marriages as non issue, and don't give it much thought. And at barely 23 years old, I can mostly agree, but I can also disagree. When I was a kid, being a by racial child was an issue for some people. I could tell that certain people just didn't like me, not around their kids, or themselves. The Southern Baptist church I was raised in was noticeably less enthused about our family. We were passed over for years, while others always seemed to know about the church activities going on right across from the street from our house, except us. We were there, every Sunday, so how is it that we never got "the memo"? Now, I will concede that PERHAPS I'm a bit prejudice on this point, but I don't think I'm entirely wrong either. When it came to the outside world, even in places that should have welcomed us, things often got "awkward" for lack of a better word.

Once, at Mexican place called Abuelitos where my dad sometimes came to meet my mom and siblings and I for lunch after work (his drywall business), he was escorted to our table by a manager. "This man says he's your husband ma'am." We all laughed (in shock) and assured them that he belonged to us, but, I remember thinking later did that really happen? About two years ago there was a huge ordeal over the borders and it was weird to my family. It seemed to us that no one in the US had ever given thought to the Border besides us (after all, my dad came as an illegal immigrant when he was 19). Then all of a sudden, it was an all out attack on all Mexicans in the US. Everywhere we went it's all the conversation we heard. When we went to eat, it was being discussed, and on the news channels. No one seemed to have any compassion, and I was so confused, what then, was I? What were my siblings? As products of a born American, and an illegal Mexican immigrant, were we wrong to exist? Would they send my father back to Mexico and revoke his rights as a citizen if they were going to be entirely fair over the issue? We didn't have an ali in the world at that time. Our family "friends" refused to discuss the issue with us, making statements like "Well, you're all different". On an AOL forum I saw one night, was packed with threats of violence against Mexicans in the US and statements like "I say we rope em' up, throw em' into the back of a pickup and take them all back ourselves". Didn't anyone making statements like that ever stop to consider that we were humans? I don't advocate illegal activities, but I also don't protest my own existence. If my father hadn't come across the river like he had, when he had, my family would not exist. I suppose we are all walking talking contradictions of right and wrong.

What do we make of it? I don't know what to say to those who look me in the face and say it would have been better for the country if I had never been born, or my two brothers, and sisters for that matter. Anyway, that's enough I suppose. It's weird to feel like I insult some people by being alive. I'm sorry for offending peoples sense of propriety, but I'm not, and never will I be, sorry for my father illegally entering the country. His family was starving, there weren't any jobs to be had that could sustain them, and then of course, he met my mom.

how unoriginal

Well, it's the first week of classes, and I've already gotten a professor into trouble (on top of earning his eternal and undying hatred), gotten completely bored out my skull in class, considered skipping (which I never do), and I wouldn't be at all suprised to find out I'm behind on home work. I wish I had something more relevant to post...But that's about it.

!PICK UP THE PHONE!

This is a really cool thing to get involved with, just being on the street team has made me feel like I'm helpingto make a difference. Check it out if you get a second.

PS. sorry it's cut off but click the link to find out more.

as deep as lines.

She reached around to grab the house key out her purse, her face turning to profile. The sun was hot, and I glanced back to hurry her along. Her mouth was twisted that quirky way that it always is when she's concentrating. My eyes narrowed for a blink, what was wrong with her face? I studied her for the moment she was turned away from me. The cute dimples creases at the edges of her mouth were now deep set lines. I felt like I hadn't noticed until that particular moment. How had I been missing such a change?





In the space of a second, I saw the sorrows of over a decade of secrets in it's physical manifestation. She was still beautiful, but those subtle lines told the tales that she has yet to.





I don't know if she'll ever heal completely, or if the bruised and broken parts have already closed up over crooked bones.

pain, swelling and angst

Friday, my best friend Mary and another really close friend Kendall, and I headed to Randy Adams tattoo shop for some work (something we'd been planning since before midterms).

I finally got my lip done, and also got my nose pierced...Don't let anyone lie to you the way they lied to me! IT HURTS BAD! Hah, I almost fainted when the needle went through my nose. If you want to know what it feels like, I'll tell you; like a hallow needle plunging through cartlidge...Pretty much.

Mary got the tattoo she's been wanting, and got her upper ear done also. The ink looks great, I held her hands, and Kendall braided her hair and sang Kumbayah. It didn't work, she made awful faces, and practically jumped off the table a few times.

Kendall...Well she didn't get her nose done like she'd wanted (job issues)..So we bought her a press on from one of those machines that dispenses random designs (all hideous).

That's Kendall's awesome tat...In the Applebees restroom after...where we applied it..lol.

And there we all are afterward at Mary's apt complex. (Me, Kendall, Mary) If you can't tell, Mary has major problems keeping open eyes during photo sessions..lol.

Anyway, I'm healing up pretty nicely I think...Except of course when my mom grabbed my face in a game of wrestle on the couch tonight...I thought she'd pushed them both into my face, haha. All is well though.

My sister is, pretty much the same...Not much to add lately. Sigh.

Goodnight.

Shipwrecked

I am just a begger here at your door
I am just a shipwreck here on your shore

fury's end

My eyelids forced open
pupils narrowed to this truth
that there is no balance to the equation
no blotting of memory
the bleeding never stops
there is no clotting

Hunt the white rabbit
and destroy it's malicious reign
but a reverse will not be reached
shorelines of yesterday have never been breached
hold fast your today
your tomorrow is trembling
hum your hallelujahs
this fury is ending

To Write Love On Her Arms

It's pretty late (or early I guess), I really need a better sleep schedule.

It's been pretty dull around here lately, aside from my sister being mad at me most of the day.  She got over it...Well I'm never sure if she's really over it or if she only makes up because her OCD won't let her go to bed angry.

I'm not teasing her about the OCD, I've had it most of my life and battled it dearly.  I just get upset that she won't take steps to get better...

Well, anyway I've been getting more involved with TWLOHA lately, joined the street team on fancorps.  It's a really cool organization that focuses on sort of rehabbing depressed and suicidal people with love, I think it's an amazing thing actually. When I discovered it about a year or ago I appreciated it mostly because of my own struggles with anxiety and OCD (a long drawn out story I'll write more about another time maybe) but now I'm wanting to get more involved for my sister's sake, I want to learn whatever I can about loving her through all this pain she's going through. I wish I could introduce her to it via mypsace, (her favorite place) or something but I've tried things like that before, she usually just gives it a passing coolness.

The idea behind To Write Love On Her Arms really reminds of the way my Grandmother (Mary) is.  She's an 82 year old,  28 year sober alcoholic and substance abuser, mentors prostitutes and spends her time among addicts. She's the most amazing woman I've ever known and all my life I've grown up with her motos"people just do the best they can" and "you're just right for me".  They echo more loudly the last few years.  

Anyway, the point is that one of the reasons I respect TWLOHA so much is because it reminds me of my Grandmother and that mentality of loving people no matter what.  Though I guess it's really the Jesus mentality.  You mean there is an organization out there that really just wants to see people get better and be happy ,with no ulterior motives? Haha, that's what I'm saying!

By the way, not to advertise, but if your interested in knowing more about TWLOHA visit

www.towriteloveonherarms.com 

Godspeed

So here's the first video blog. Sorry, (film student) I couldn't resist making some cuts, sloppy at best, but there it is. Haha. After I first watched the playback, I hated it and I didn't want anyone to see, but I'm putting it out there anyway. I want to be out of my comfort zone more than I am. I think it will make me stronger...I hope.

I also hope that no one sees this as an attack on my sister, I love her and one of the reasons I started this blog is to release some of my own anger and resentment toward her, in another direction, maybe some of the fighting will stop. This one seems a little boring to me, and really emptional, hopefully they'll brighten up soon. I do have a few funny stories about her...Hmm.

Buenas noches everyone.

good morning

Good morning I suppose.

I'm not sure who will read this, if at all, but I need it I think.

I'm not new to blogging, just to blogger.

I created this blog tonight, and it's basically surrounding the cicumstances concerning my older sister Anna (hence the blog title).

I need a place to say all the things I want to say to her, but I know (because I've tried) that she isn't ready to hear it, it's got to come out though.

I'll explain more in my first video blog. Maybe I'll post it tonight, if I can't get to sleep.

Thanks for the read, if you did.

Lau

TEST

TEST POST